| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2009|10:20 pm] |
Oh, geez, where to start?
Daniel and Michael came over for DnD. We had planned on more people, but Jordan wasn't at home and Stephen is avoiding me after the whole Nicole mess. (I still claim he wasn't dragged into anything.)
Other than that, nothing much of interest is happening.
Second post incoming. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2009|11:22 am] |
I figured out my own mix of "something fruity" last night. It mainly consists of cranberry juice, orange juice, vodka, and peach schnapps. I had a full 16 oz. of that and was feeling pretty darn good. I semi-crashed around 1am and slept until 11am.
I couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up and called Social Security. I was finally awake during their open hours! Now I just have to fax in this form sitting in my lap. I had to check my doctor's address since I lost their office card, oops.
Now I'm off to kill time before Michael comes over. I'm cooking Thai for us tonight, so I have to remember to thaw the chicken...
Anywho, feeling a bit better today and I'm hoping that my horoscope is right. It definitely sounded as if today would be good. And taking pictures of the animals today, probably. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2009|12:21 am] |
|
I have just enough alcohol in my system to feel good. I think I may go pass out soon. It's either that, more Zoo Tycoon, or forcing myself through more of "Breaking Dawn". |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2009|07:16 pm] |
I finally crashed sometime around 10am. I didn't sleep well, but I didn't really expect to sleep at all. I suppose some is better than none. I got woke up around 4:30pm by a text message from Michael.
I've been kinda down all day. Still debating whether to talk about things with Michael tomorrow. I don't see how it could do any good. He seems to only half listen to our "serious conversations" anyway. I don't really know.
Puppy is curled up in my lap. I love this cat. And he just moved because I had to stretch out my legs.
And I think I'm going to go get lost in Zoo Tycoon and watch more NCIS. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2009|04:50 am] |
I just had a sudden tightening in my chest and I'm scared.
Please, don't let it get worse than that...
Edit: (40 minutes later) It's getting a bit worse. I'm a little dizzy. I'm trying to not freak out as that's just going to make it worse. I only wish I knew the cause.
The last thing I want to happen is to have a full-blown panic attack alone in a house 30 minutes away from everyone. :/ |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2009|04:05 am] |
I've spent the majority of the day caught between thoughts of things with Aaron and things with Michael. I hate my fixating, always worrisome mind. It's like I can't ever get a break.
I'm seriously considering spending the majority of the day tomorrow in a drunken stupor in order to escape from it. There is enough alcohol here to accomplish that, I believe.
I must call the Social Security office and fax those forms tomorrow. I keep forgetting.
And each night I spend in bed with at least one cat. They seem to like sharing the bed. I only hope they don't get used to it as it's not going to continue once we return home.
But late night television is interesting.
Daniel and Lance came over today. For some reason, Paul asked Daniel to come visit me and offered the use of Matt's car to save him gas. He's currently asleep in the other room and leaving in the morning to go back to Charlotte. I'll most likely spend tomorrow (Thursday) by myself.
Michael is supposed to be over on Friday. I do plan to see about cooking dinner for us as it's not something I've gotten to do yet. And of course I am going to attempt the same thing I usually do when I get the opportunity.
I've also been wondering if the words of some of my unbiased friends just how true they are. Is Michael as ungrateful as they say?
It is somewhat nice to know he won't read any of this, but part of me wishes he would. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2009|08:03 am] |
I've been surrounded by cats since I've come over to Paul's. I have my two, and Paul has six more. As well as two dogs. It's been interesting, definitely. My two cats, as well as Paul's orange tabby named Puppy, always want attention. Puppy will literally climb on me to get it.
I have been bored, too. TV doesn't hold my attention, never has. I couldn't find many interesting books. I will admit I'm reading the Twilight series just to see if it improves after the first book. I trudged through the second due to insomnia. It barely held my interest. I started the third and it seems to be on the same track. Then again, I'm used to different kinds of vampire novels. More along the lines of "Sunshine" by McKinley and "Lost Souls" by Brite.
I'm failing horribly at playing hard on Guitar Hero. I had to get used to it again after all the Rock Band we've been playing recently. It took me 30 minutes to figure out how to connect the 360 to Paul's setup. I finally realized that the issue was not, in fact, any of Paul's equipment. I flipped the switch on the AV cords on the 360 from HDTV to TV and, voila!, it worked perfectly. I cursed for a good two minutes after that.
It's fairly boring being here without human company, even though there is a lot of furred company. Today (Tuesday), Lance and I may go see "Bruno". And I need to explain to him about things that happened on Sunday. He's used to the happy carefree Amber that I am up at Time Tunnel.
I don't have much of anything planned for Wednesday or Thursday, other than calling Social Security and faxing them that form. On Friday, it's just going to be Michael and I. I'm looking forward to that. :)
But now I'm going to get off here and attempt to relax and get some sleep so that I'm a much happier person today if I do have company. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2009|07:38 am] |
I've been absent from the internet for nearly two whole days...
I plan on making two entries about life since Saturday. This one will be about the whole "thing with Aaron and Nicole" and the second will be more basic daily life things.
Came over to Paul's house around 2pm on Saturday. Daniel called to let me know he was waiting on Aaron to pick him up then they would head over. Turns out, with Aaron came Nicole, Stephen, and Jordan as well as Daniel. It definitely took me by surprise. I wasn't really expecting, nor wanting, so many people over. I hadn't slept well in two days. I was not that fun or happy of a person. Just wanted a quiet evening with three of the people closest to me (Michael, Daniel, and Aaron). When they first arrived, I walked outside, saw the entire crowd, and went back inside before my short temper made me say something rather nasty.
Cut to a few hours later and the group is added on to by Michael and Lance. (It was nice to hang out with Lance in addition to at Time Tunnel/IHOP. He and Michael had at least a 10 minute talk about music.) Well, I decided to go swimming due to boredom. Lance joined. We were outside for a bit, and when I came back inside I decided to start sending everyone home because I was simply tired and drained at that point. I wanted to get some sleep. (This was around 1am, I believe, and Daniel had already gone home.) I do a small look-around and ask where Aaron and Nicole disappeared to. Stephen and Jordan informed me that they left "about an hour ago" with no idea of when they would be back, where they had gone, and what they were doing (although we all assumed it was having sex).
I did notice that Aaron had left his laptop and Nicole had left her cell phone. I called Aaron's phone, used Michael's phone to call Aaron, used Stephen's phone to call Aaron, and even used Nicole's phone to call Aaron. No answer. I was getting fairly peeved at this point. My thinking: he left without telling me, we didn't know when he would be back, he wasn't answering his damn phone, and I was not having it. I had to get Aaron to return so that he could take Stephen and Jordan back to their houses. So I grabbed Nicole's phone and Michael found her mother's number in it. I called her mother (keep in mind that Nicole is 16) and informed her I had no idea where her daughter was, wanted to know if she had called to check in or anything, and her mother told me that she hadn't heard from her since that afternoon. I asked if she knew any other way to contact her, and she said no, and asked if she could have Aaron's house phone number. I gave it. Nicole's mother requested I call her to let her know when her daughter had returned and when they were about to leave.
I was a bit worried to their whereabouts, and a bit more angry, at this point.
A short while later, Aaron and Nicole finally returned. I told them to "get Stephen and Jordan, get their shit, and get out". I was tired. While they were inside, they told the story that had been told to Nicole's mother earlier that day: Nicole was at a funeral in a different city with a friend and would return on Monday sometime. Whoops? Once the four of them finally headed outside to leave, I called Nicole's mother back on Michael's phone and told her. Her mother asked to talk to her, so I gave the phone to Nicole (under order's to keep an eye on it from Michael) and waited while they talked. During which, Aaron was calling me a bitch multiple times and attempting to get my attention. I knew Nicole's issues with anger so I kept my eye on her to insure both the safety of the phone and myself.
Once the call was done, I took the phone and returned inside. Lance had left sometime during this. Michael stuck around to make sure I would be okay. (Anger sets off the same things as anxiety does. I get really worked up and my body likes to pump out all that fun adrenaline.)
After Michael left, I grabbed a shower. When I stepped out, my cell phone rang. Lo and behold, it was Aaron. I talked to him for a bit. He tried to threaten me a few times with whatever "things" he believes he has on me. He wouldn't say what, claiming so that I couldn't "make up stories to counter them" to Michael. Whatever. I just hope he doesn't attempt to follow-through with them because, well, I don't take well to being threatened like that. I went through it with Grant and I know how to deal with it. And it's not pretty for the other party. Then he tried the tactic of being "wise" and trying to tell me about life. I told him I was older, had been through more, and there was no piece of wisdom he had that I didn't. Aaron isn't all that bright about most real-life things, as has come to the attention of people recently, and could have avoided most of this trouble if he had listened to my advice long ago. At the close of the call, he told me not to expect to see him or Stephen around anytime soon. (I fail to see how Stephen was "dragged into things" as he claims considering Stephen hasn't been around and we know he doesn't care so we didn't ever really discuss things in front of him other than that night. Whatever.)
I also talked to Daniel a bit today and found out that Aaron may try to hang out with Michael without me around. This seems rather suspicious... But like I said, and as I told Daniel, I've been threatened like this before. You don't want to piss me off. Aaron doesn't realize that I can get much worse than I did Sunday night. I used to be a horrendous bitch. (To this day, people I don't even know hate me passionately. I see that as proof.) While I have worked hard to be a much better person, I can still be that old person if I choose to. But at this point, I don't care. I don't feel bad. (Except for that annoying part of myself that is always apologetic, regardless of what happened. The part that keeps me apologizing for everything.)
I may have lost a friend out of this. But he hasn't been on my good side for quite some time and he made no attempts to remedy this. He just made attempts to worsen it. Did I over-react? Maybe. But all of the drama that happened after that first call was the result of a lie I didn't know was in place. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2009|06:33 pm] |
I crashed around 10am, I believe. I didn't sleep well, only fitfully and full of nightmares that kept waking me up. Hopefully, getting away for a week may help. If all else, it should be relaxing.
I finally got the package from Social Security. I have an appointment on the afternoon of the 27th with a psychiatrist in Morganton. Considering I finally got in contact with my case worker on May 29th, I would say it's about damn time. I'm doing a few Google searches to get more information on the doctor. I really wish I didn't have to do this. I have an eight year relationship with my current therapist and they always ask a lot of personal questions. I suppose as long as I get my confidentiality agreement, I'll be fine. Luckily, a form to send a copy of the evaluation to my regular doctor came with the packet. The other bad part is that my mother works that day and thus can't go with me. I may see if Michael will go.
I should be packing right now, but I don't want to. I want to go out and do something tonight in order to just feel better. I hate not sleeping well, especially when what sleep I do get is not good.
I get to catch the cats tomorrow and pack them up, too. That should be fun. My grandmother agreed to feed my fish while I was gone, but may have to remind her. I need to remember to feed them before I leave tomorrow...
I sincerely hope that all of this with Social Security works out. I want to be back on my medication, as bad as that sounds. I feel more level-headed when I am and I know that it also ensures me being more stable. :/ |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2009|06:44 am] |
It's nearly 7am. I have gone through all of the entries from now until the beginning of last year. I have changed their privacy settings, deleted a few, and edited a few. I feel oddly accomplished. But it is interesting browsing the older entries and reading about things. Just in that period of time I covered a good portion of one relationship, that relationship's end, and the entirety of two other relationships. It was interesting to see the thoughts, especially in reverse!
I should be heading to bed soon, but I'm not tired. But I believe I know why my insomnia is so persistent, though. Long story made short, seven is a horribly unlucky number for me and the 25th of this month marks seven months for Michael and I. I don't really have any reasons to worry, but I still do. That's my eternal problem, alas.
I may start packing soon for Paul's. He will hopefully call me today with details about the house-sitting thing.
Also, I lost my house keys! I didn't discover this until Michael had brought me back home from his house, either. Luckily, I found the spare set at my grandparents' and used that. I just hope I find them tomorrow.
Some awesome news: Daniel has agreed to let me borrow his 360 for the stay at Paul's. At least it's one more thing on the list of things I can do! I also invited Austin and Lance (MtG players at Time Tunnel) to come over and hang out since they live in the same area. I haven't actually spent time with them outside of Time Tunnel and the trips to IHOP afterwards, but they're great guys. Saw a few people I hadn't in a while up at Time Tunnel today as well.
I've come to the realization that, sometimes, all I need is to be wrapped up in his arms and all of the bad things matter less. I love that feeling. |
|
|
| Making a Few Changes |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|04:41 pm] |
I have decided that, instead of making a new journal, I am going to be opening this one back to the public. I will still moderate some entries as friends only and/or only for certain friend groups. I will also be going back through older entries and opening them for public view as well.
Here is my official disclaimer (that I will also post on my user information): This is my personal journal. I write my thoughts down in here. I don't believe I should have to hide my honest and open thoughts and feelings. Basically, if you get offended by something I post, tell me about it. I'm not writing here to make others happy; I do it to make me happy. Writing things out can help you figure them out.
For Comment Posters: Comments are also open to the public as well. However, anonymous comments are moderated. I did remove the IP capture for anonymous comments, but if necessary I will put it back. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|08:57 am] |
Random day and night.
Went to see "Public Enemies" with Alice. Went back to Michael's. They recorded some for Jam Fest 06 which ended up being freakin' hilarious for everyone. Then we watched the DBZ live action movie while doing our own version of MST3K. After that, Michael, Quinn, and I took turns playing Rock Band.
On another note, when Michael is a bit too much of a dick, Quinn calls him out on it. I like him better now, haha.
I've been awake for 21 hours and I'm not sure I can get to sleep. THIS SUCKS. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2009|01:52 pm] |
My mom found some clothes of mine. I find this funny it took this long considering I moved out (well, got kicked out) two years ago in October.
But the best part is she found my GIR "Make Me a Sammich!" shirt. I've been looking for that damn shirt for ages! It's even more hilarious now since Michael and his friends are /b/tards and like to make the "Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!" jokes. I want to wash a load of clothes just so it's clean an I can wear it!
The funny part is I'm already wearing one GIR shirt... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2009|12:08 pm] |
I've only had four hours of sleep (on medication, too). I wanted at least seven. I feel utterly ugh right now.
Ooo, alliteration.
Damn, I need to get back to sleep.
Bo keeps texting me. I should not text people late at night that I haven't spoken to in a while, apparently.
And for some reason my step-grandfather called me last night. I need to call him back... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2009|03:51 am] |
Necrobomb showed up at Apophis practice. Michael donned a Guy Fawkes mask and proceeded to air hump Patrick (Necrobomb guitarist). The background noise is various band members (from both bands) goofing off, hence why it doesn't really sound like anything intelligible. I laughed so damn hard at this. Chris (Apophis guitarist) is in the Hilary mask. Robert is the one doing the retarded "thrash" dancing. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|05:04 pm] |
Finally talked to Michael on Sunday night. Waiting to see how it all turns out.
Last night, I played Roller Coaster Tycoon (European version, lol) while Quinn and Michael played Rock Band. Then I let Quinn take over the game and he wrecked my precious park. :( But I am getting better at drums on Rock Band.
Daniel is planning something with Michael. Neither will tell me anything other than they are planning something. I know it has something to do with me as Daniel said so. I'm way too curious of a person for this!
Off to play more Zoo Tycoon. I re-installed the original last night because Roller Coaster Tycoon made me want to play it. I played it last night until I crashed it. Oops. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2009|05:45 pm] |
Last night was...interesting.
It mostly consisted of aiming various small fire works at each other. I think my foot got a burn mark. Scott's shirt did. Arthur is missing some leg hair.
But before all of this, I was on Ventrilo talking to Robert and Scott W. (different from previous Scott mentioned). I like how I can log on and be in a bad mood, but they always cheer me up. The conversation also did worry me a bit. And you have to keep in mind that Robert and Scott are both mature, and they don't try to start things and have only helped me out. Anywho, I mentioned a few of my annoyances and they told me I should talk to Michael about all of these things. They are worried that he's not being completely honest and/or faithful.
The only problem is that when I work up the courage, lots of other people are over and I lose the motivation by the time I get the chance. Or we play Rock Band to wee hours of the morning and nothing is talked about.
I know what the problem is and I know how to fix it, but Michael just seems keen on ignoring it until it goes away. ARGH.
I want to be angry. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|02:54 am] |
I was feeling kind of down yesterday and earlier today. Came over to Michael's and we got absorbed in Rock Band, once again. I don't really mind. It gives me a chance to just zone out. Next thing I buy myself will most likely be a 360, if not a new laptop. Gah, I need money. I'm beyond broke.
I asked Aaron/Daniel to have a conversation with Michael. I just want to see what happens when a third party talks to him about things. Maybe he won't clam up like he does with me. (Fucking annoying.)
Currently downloading yet another MMO to try out. Aaron gave me his EverQuest disc. Damn, I miss Shadowbane. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
xechox's journal